The Little Brown Jug at Kildare Page 8

  CHAPTER VIII

  THE LABORS OF MR. ARDMORE

  While he waited for Miss Jerry Dangerfield to appear Mr. Thomas Ardmoreread for the first time the constitution of the United States. He hadreached the governor's office early, and, seeking diversion, he hadpicked up a small volume that bore some outward resemblance to a novel.This proved, however, to be Johnston's _American Politics_, and he wasamazed to find that this diminutive work contained the answers to agreat many questions which had often perplexed him, but which he hadimagined could not be answered except by statesmen or by men like hisfriend Griswold, who spent their lives in study.

  He had supposed that the constitution of a great nation like the UnitedStates would fill many volumes, and be couched in terms bewildering andbaffling; and it was perhaps the proudest moment in Mr. Ardmore's lifewhen, in the cool and quiet of the May morning, in the historicchambers of the governor of North Carolina, it dawned upon him that thecharter of American liberty filled hardly more space than thestipulations for a yacht race, or a set of foot-ball rules; and that,moreover, he understood the greater part of it, or thought he did. Suchstrange words as "attainder" and "capitation" he sought out in thedictionary, and this also gave him a new sensation and thrill ofpleasure at finding the machinery of knowledge so simple. He made noteof several matters he wished to ask Griswold about when they met again;then turned back into the body of the text and had read as far as Burr'sconspiracy when Jerry came breezily in. He experienced for the firsttime in his life that obsession of guilt which sinks in shame theoffice-boy who is caught reading a dime novel. Jerry seemed to towerabove him like an avenging angel, and though her sword was only aparasol, her words cut deep enough.

  "Well, you are taking it pretty cool!"

  "Taking what?" faltered Ardmore, standing up, and seeking to hide thebook behind his back.

  "Why, this outrageous article!" and she thrust a newspaper under hiseyes. "Do you mean to say you haven't seen the morning paper?"

  "To tell you the truth, Miss Dangerfield, I hardly ever read thepapers."

  "What's that you were reading when I came in?" she demanded severely,withholding the paper until she should be answered.

  "It's a book about the government, and the powers reserved to the statesand that sort of thing. I was just reading the constitution; I thoughtit might help us--I mean _you_--in your work."

  "The constitution help me? Hasn't it occurred to you before this thatwhat I'm doing is all against the constitution and the revised statutesand all those books you see on the shelf there?"

  "But the constitution sounds all right. It seems remarkably reasonable.You couldn't ask anything fairer than that!"

  "So are the ten commandments fair enough; but you're on the wrong track,Mr. Ardmore, if you're trying to support the present administration withstupid things in books. I don't follow precedents, Mr. Ardmore; I createthem."

  "But I should think you would have to be awfully careful not to mix upthe business of the executive and judicial branches of the government. Ithink I heard Grissy speak of that once, though I'm not certain. Grissyknows more than almost any other living man."

  "I don't doubt that your friend is a well-educated person, but in timeslike these you've got to rise above the constitution; and just now it'smore convenient to forget it. There's a constitution of North Carolina,too, if you're looking for constitutions, but in good society suchthings are not mentioned. Papa always refers to the constitution withtears in his eyes when he's making speeches, but papa's very emotional.If I could make a speech I should tell the people what I think ofthem--that they're too silly and stupid for words."

  "You are right, Miss Dangerfield. I have felt exactly that way about thepeople ever since I was defeated for alderman in New York. But let mehave the paper."

  She turned to the morning mail while he read, and opened the envelopesrapidly. Such of the letters as she thought interesting or important sheput aside, and when Ardmore finished reading a double-leaded telegramfrom Columbia, in which the governor of South Carolina was quoted asdeclaring his intention of taking immediate steps for the apprehensionof Appleweight, she was still reading and sorting letters, tapping hercheek lightly meanwhile with the official paper-knife.

  "Here, Mr. Ardmore," she said, drawing a paper from her pocket, "is theanswer to that telegram we sent yesterday evening. Suppose you read thatnext, and we can then decide what to do."

  She was making the letters into little piles, humming softly meanwhile;but he felt that there was a storm brewing. He read the message fromColumbia a number of times, and if the acting governor had not been soominously quiet he would have laughed at the terse sentences.

  "There must be a mistake about this. He wouldn't have used 'diverting'that way; that's insulting!"

  "So you appreciate its significance, do you, Mr. Ardmore? The ironenters your soul, does it? You realize that I have been insulted, doyou?"

  "I shouldn't put it that way, Miss Dangerfield. Governor Osborne wouldnever have sent a message like that to you--he thought he was sending itto your father."

  "He's insulted me and every other citizen in the Old North State; that'swho he's insulted, Mr. Ardmore. Let me read it again;" and she repeatedthe telegram aloud:

  "'Your extremely diverting telegram in Appleweight case received andfiled.' I think it's the _extremely_ that's so perfectly mean. The_diverting_ by itself would not hurt my feelings half so much. He's agood deal smarter man than I thought he was to think up a telegram likethat. But what do you think of that piece in the newspaper?"

  "He says he's going to catch Appleweight dead or alive. That soundspretty serious."

  "I think it's a bluff myself. That telegram we sent him yesterday musthave scared him to death. He was driven into a corner and had to dosomething to avoid being disgraced, and it's easy enough to talk big inthe newspapers when you haven't the slightest intention of doinganything at all. I've noticed that father talks the longest and loudestabout things he doesn't believe at all."

  "Is it possible?" whispered Ardmore incredulously.

  "Of course it's possible! Father would never have been elected if he'dexpressed his real sentiments; neither would anybody else ever beelected if he said beforehand what he really believed."

  "That must have been the reason I got defeated for alderman on thereform ticket. I told 'em I was for turning the rascals out."

  "That was very stupid of you. You've got to get the rascals to electyou first; then if you're tired of office and don't need them any moreyou bounce them. But that's political practice; it's a theory we've gotto work out now. Governor Osborne's telegram is much more important thanhis interview in the newspapers, which is just for effect and of noimportance at all. He doesn't say the same things in the telegram tofather that he said to the reporter. A governor who really meant to doanything wouldn't be so ready to insult another governor. The newspapersare a lot of bother. I spent all yesterday evening talking to reporters.They came to the house to ask where papa was and when he would be home!"

  "What did you tell them?"

  "I didn't tell them anything. I sent out for two other girls and we alljust talked to them and kept talking, and gave them lemon sherbet andginger cookies; and Eva Hungerford played the banjo--you don't know Eva?Of course you don't know anybody, and I don't want you to, for it wouldspoil you for private secretary. But Eva is simply killing when she getsto cutting up, and we made those reporters sing to us, and all they sayin the papers, even the opposition papers, this morning is that GovernorDangerfield is in Savannah visiting an old friend. They all tell thesame story, so they must have fixed it up after they left the house. Butwhat were you doing, Mr. Ardmore, that you didn't come around to help?It seems to me you don't appreciate the responsibilities of beingsecretary to a governor."

  "I was afraid you might scold me if I did. And besides I was glued tothe long distance telephone all evening, talking to my manager atArdsley. He read me my letters and a lot of telegrams that annoyed mevery much. I wish yo
u wouldn't be so hard on me, for I have triflingtroubles of my own."

  "I didn't suppose you ever had troubles; you certainly don't act asthough you ever had."

  "No one who has never been brother-in-law to a duke has the slightestidea of what trouble is."

  "I've seen the Duke of Ballywinkle's picture in the papers and he looksvery attractive."

  "Well, if you'd ever seen him eat celery you'd change your mind. He'sgoing down to Ardsley to visit me; for sheer nerve I must say myrelations beat the world. I got my place over here in North Carolinajust to get away from them, and now my sister--not the duchess, but Mrs.Atchison--is coming down there with a lot of girls and Ballywinkle hasattached himself to the party. They'll pass through here to-day, andthey'll expect to find me at Ardsley."

  "If the duke's really coming to our state I suppose we ought torecognize him officially," and Jerry's eyes were large with reverie asshe pondered her possible duty.

  "Do something for him!" blazed Ardmore. "I hope _you_ don't labor underthe delusion that a duke's any better than anybody else? If you'dsuffered what I have from being related to a duke you'd be sorry to hearhe was even passing through your state, much less stopping off for acouple of weeks."

  "Because you don't like him is no reason why every one else should feelthe same way, is it? I've read about the Duke of Ballywinkle and hebelongs to one of the oldest families in England, and I've seen picturesof Ballywinkle Castle--"

  "Worse than that," grinned Ardmore with rising humor, "I had to chip into pay for it! And the plumbing isn't yet what it ought to be. The lasttime I was over there I caught cold and nearly died of pneumonia. I makeit a rule now never to visit dukes. You never know what you'll strikewhen you stay in those ancestral castles, even when they've beenrestored with some silly American girl's grandfather's money. Thoseplaces are all full of drafts and malaria and ghosts, and they make youdrink tea in the afternoon, which is worse than being haunted."

  "I suppose we might invite his Grace to inspect our militia," persistedJerry. "It would sound well in the papers to have a real duke inspectthe North Carolina troops."

  "It would sound better than he would look doing it, I can tell you that.Old Wellington may have been all right, but these new dukes were nevermade for horseback."

  "He might appear in a carriage, wearing his orders and ride the linesthat way, with all the troops presenting arms."

  "Or you might pin his debts on him and mount him on a goat on therifle-range and let the sharp-shooters pepper away at him! Please let usnot talk about Ballywinkle any more; the thought of him gives me thatsinking feeling."

  He had opened an atlas and was poring over it with a magnifying glass.

  "It's positively funny," he murmured, laughing a little to himself, "butI know something about this country over here. Here's Ardsley, in thefar corner of Dilwell County, and here's Kildare."

  "Yes; I understand maps. Dilwell is green, and there's the state line,and that ugly watery sort of yellow is Mingo County, South Carolina, andTurner Court House is the county seat of it. Those little black marksare hills on the border, and it's right there that these Appleweightpeople live, and dance on the state line as though it were askipping-rope."

  "That's exactly it. Now what we want to do is to arrest Appleweight andput him in jail in South Carolina, which relieves the governor of NorthCarolina, your honored father, of all embarrassment."

  She snatched the paper-cutter and took possession of the map for amoment, then pointed, with a happy little laugh.

  "Why, that will be only too easy. You see there's Azbell County, wherethe militia is encamped, just three counties away from Dilwell, and ifwe needed the soldiers it wouldn't hurt the troops to march that far,would it?"

  "Hurt them, nothing!" exclaimed Ardmore. "It will be good for them. Youhave to give orders to the adjutant-general, and, being engaged to him,he would be afraid not to obey your orders, even if you told him to goin balloons."

  "Well, of course, I'd send him an official order; and if he wasdisobedient I could break our engagement. When I broke my engagementwith Arthur Treadmeasure, it was only because he was five minutes latecoming to take me to a dance."

  "You were perfectly right, Miss Dangerfield. No gentleman would keep youwaiting."

  "But he didn't keep me waiting! I was sick in bed with a sore throat,and mama wouldn't let me go; but I thought it was very careless andtaking too much for granted for him to think he could come poking alongany time he pleased, so I ended everything."

  It would have interested Ardmore to know the total of Miss Dangerfield'sengagements, but the time did not seem propitious for such inquiries;and, moreover, his awe of her as a young person of great determinationand force of character increased. She spoke of employing the armedforces of the state as though playing with the militia were a cheerfulpastime, like horseback riding or tennis. His heart sank as he foresawthe possibility of the gallant Gillingwater coming out of theAppleweight affair with flying colors, a hero knighted on the field forvalor. The remembrance of Gillingwater receiving the salutes of themilitia and riding off to the wars to the beat of drums had deprivedArdmore of sleep all night.

  "Well, there's the map, and there's that insulting telegram; what areyou going to do about it?" asked Jerry.

  She seemed to be honestly inviting suggestions, and the very thought ofthis affected him like wine. He deliberated for several minutes, whileshe watched him. A delicious country quiet lay upon the old state house;in the tranquil park outside the birds whistled their high disdain oflaw and precedent. It was no small thing to be identified with a greatundertaking like this, with the finest girl in the world; and he couldnot help thinking of the joy of telling Griswold, the sober professorand sedate lawyer, of this adventure when it should be happilyconcluded. Never again should Grissy taunt him with his supinenessbefore the open door of opportunity!

  "A governor," he began, "is always a dignified person who doesn't botherhis head about little things like this unless everybody else has gone tosleep. Now, who's the chief of police in a county like Dilwell--what doyou call him?"

  "Do you mean the sheriff, Mr. Ardmore?"

  "Certainly. Now, give me those telegraph blanks, and I'll drop him a fewlines to let him know that the government at Raleigh still lives."

  It is in the telegram alone that we Americans approach style. Our greatcommanders did much to form it; our business strategists took the keyfrom them. "I propose to fight it out on this line, if it takes allsummer" is not more admirable than "Cancel order our number six hundredand eighteen," or "Have drawn at sight." Through the most familiar andcommonplace apparatus clicks and ticks the great American epic inphrases concise, unequivocal and apt. Von Moltke, roused at night withnews of war, merely waved his hand to the long-prepared orders in hischiffonier and went to sleep again; but the great Prussian has hiscounterpart in the American magnate who ties up a railroad by telegraphover his after-dinner coffee. Telegrams were, however, with Mr. ThomasArdmore, something more than a form of communication or a mere literaryexercise. Letter-writing seemed to him the most formidable of humanundertakings, but with a pad of telegraph blanks under his hand hisspirit soared free. All untrammeled by the horror of the day tariff,whose steep slopes have wrought so much confusion and error among theeconomical, he gave to the wires and the wireless what he never wouldhave confided to a stamp. He wrote and submitted to Miss JerryDangerfield the following:

  To the Sheriff of Dilwell County, Kildare, N. C.:

  What is this I hear about your inability to catch Appleweight and the rest of his bunch? Your inattention to your duties is a matter of common scandal, and if you don't get anxious pretty soon I shall remove you from your job and then some. I shall be down soon to see whether you are pitching quoits at the blacksmith shop or fishing for lobsters in Raccoon Creek, instead of attending to your knitting. Your conduct has annoyed me until I am something more than vexed by your behavior. The eyes of the great North State are
upon you. Wire me at length just what you propose doing or not doing in this matter.

  WILLIAM DANGERFIELD, Governor of North Carolina.

  "What do you think of that?" he asked, his pride falling as she scannedthe paper carefully.

  "Isn't it pretty expensive?" Jerry inquired, counting the words to tenand then roughly computing the rest.

  "I'll take care of that, Miss Dangerfield. What I want to know iswhether you think that will make the sheriff sit up."

  "Well, here's what father sent him only about a week ago. I found it inhis private letter book, and it's marked confidential in red ink."

  She read:

  "'Act cautiously in Appleweight case. Indictment by grand jury is undoubtedly faulty and Foster threatens trouble in case parties are arrested.'

  "And there's more like that! Papa never intended to do anything, that'sas plain as daylight. Mr. Foster, the treasurer, comes from that county.He thought papa was going to have to do something, so he's holding backthe payment of the state bonds just to frighten papa. You see, the stateowes the Bronx Loan and Trust Company that two hundred and fiftythousand dollars, and if it isn't paid June first the state will beeverlastingly disgraced."

  "Oh, yes; I'd forgotten about that."

  "I don't see how you could forget about it. That must be almost as muchmoney as there is in the world, Mr. Ardmore."

  "We've got to raise it, anyhow, even if we go to the pawn-shop. I pawnedmy watch once when I was in college and Billings--he was myguardian--had shut me off. Grissy--he's my friend--Grissy sayspawnbroking is only a more vulgar form of banking. There was a fellowin my class at college who pawned his pawn ticket to get money to payhis laundress, and then gave the new ticket to a poor blind man. He's abig man in Wall Street--has a real genius for finance, they say. Butplease don't worry about this rascal Foster. We'll put some digitalisinto the state's credit when the time comes."

  "I think your telegram to the sheriff is all right," said Jerry, readingit again. "If you'll go to the door and whistle for the messenger we'llget it off. I'll sign it with the rubber stamp. Papa hardly ever signsanything himself; he says if you don't sign documents yourself you canalways repudiate them afterward, and papa's given prayerful thought toall such things."

  Ardmore addressed himself once more to the map. It was clear that theAppleweight gang was powerful enough to topple great states upon theirfoundations. It had, to Ardmore's own knowledge, driven a governor intoexile, and through the wretched Foster, who was their friend, the creditof the state was gravely menaced. The possibilities of the gamefascinated Ardmore. He was eager for action on the scene of thisusurpation and defiance. Responsibility, for the first time, had placeda warrant of trust in his hands, and, thus commissioned, the spurs ofduty pricked his sides.

  "I'll wait for the sheriff's answer, and if he shows no signs of lifeI'll go down there this afternoon."

  "Then you will undoubtedly be shot!" Jerry declared, as thoughannouncing a prospect not wholly deplorable.

  "That has its disagreeable side, but a great many people have to be shotevery year to keep up the average, and if the statistics need me I won'tduck. I'll call up my man on the telephone this forenoon and tell him toput my forester at Ardsley to work. He's a big fellow who served in theGerman army, and if he's afraid of anything I haven't heard of it. If wecan drive the gang into South Carolina, right along here, you see"--andMiss Dangerfield bent her pretty head over the map and saw--"if we canpass the chief outlaw on to Governor Osborne, then so much the better,and that's what we will try to do."

  "But you're only the private secretary, and you can't assume too muchauthority. I shall have to go to Kildare to visit my aunt, who is a niceold lady that lives there. The fried corn mush and syrup at her house isthe best I ever tasted, and if papa should come when he sees thatsomething is being done quite different from what he intended, then Ishould be there to explain. If you should be killed, Mr. Ardmore, no onewould be there to identify you, and I have always thought it the saddestthing in the world for any one to die away from home--"

  "It would be sad; but I hope you would be sorry."

  "I should regret your death, and I'd make them give you a perfectlybeautiful military funeral, with Chopin's funeral march, and your bootstied to the saddle of your horse."

  "But don't let them fuss about pulling off the boots, Miss Dangerfield,if I die with them on. It would be all right for you to visit your aunt,but I shouldn't do it if I were you. I once visited my aunt, Mrs.Covington-Burns, at Newport for a week. It was a deep game to get me tomarry my aunt's husband's niece, whose father had lost his money, andthe girl was beginning to bore my aunt."

  "Was she a pretty girl?" asked Jerry.

  "She was a whole basket of peaches, and I might have married her to getaway from my aunt if it were not that I have made it a life-long rulenever to marry the orphaned nieces of the husbands of my aunts. It'sbeen a good rule to me, and has saved me no end of trouble. But if mysister doesn't change her mind, and if she really comes through Raleighto-day in her car with those friends of hers, she will be delighted tohave you join her for a visit at Ardsley. And then you would be near athand in case some special edict from the governor seemed necessary."

  "But wouldn't your sister think it strange--"

  "Not in the least, Miss Dangerfield. Nothing is strange to my sister.Nobody ever sprang a surprise on Nellie yet. And besides, you are thedaughter of the governor of a great state. She refuses to meet senators,because you can never be sure they are respectable, but she ratherprides herself on knowing governors. Governors are very different. SinceI read the constitution I can see very plainly that governors are muchnearer the people, but I guess the senators are nearer the banks."

  "Well, I have some shopping to do, and it's ten o'clock. It would behospitable to ask you to luncheon, but mama cries so much because shedoesn't know where papa is that our meals at the executive mansion arenot exactly cheerful functions. And besides"--and she eyed Ardmoreseverely as she rose and accepted her parasol from him--"and besides,you know our relations are purely official. You have never beenintroduced to me, and socially you are not known to us."